I was beyond nervous about Joel having to take a summer break from preschool. In the past we have seen regression in his development during long breaks from therapies. Thankfully we have seen the opposite during this break! Our little guy has been making SO much progress! The most exciting thing.. he is talking in sentences now!! 

Oh, and yesterday we attended his LAST speech therapy session! It's a huge accomplishment for our sweet boy!! We are praying he will continue to progress.

Ending speech is beyond exciting and it also takes a little weight off my shoulders... We recently started feeding therapy once a week and it's almost an hour away. I was stressing about how I was going to juggle speech and feeding therapy around the preschool schedule, all while trying to adjust to having a newborn.


Progress with feeding therapy has been slow but we are praying it will help us figure out whether Joel's lack of eating is from his medicine or not. As of right now we are leaning towards switching his meds sooner rather than later (due to the lack of eating and because we are worried he might be having seizures at night while sleeping)... Please keep praying about this issue for us. We need wisdom to know what we should do.

To Infinity & Beyond!

Joel is a huge Buzz Lightyear fan. Lately, for the past two or three weeks, he asks daily to wear his Buzz [Halloween] costume. If the costume is dirty and/or he isn't able to wear it, a huge meltdown will occur. When he takes the costume off he always says "Joel back!" It cracks me up every time he says it!

It's fun to watch as he is finally starting to use his imagination and trying to be more verbal while playing. When he catches us watching or if we join in, especially when the play involves being Buzz, his whole face lights up.

The other night while watching one of the T0y Story movies (for the millionth time), he started lifting up his foot and saying "Andy." It took me a minute to figure it out, but he was telling me that his foot had the name Andy written on it just like Buzz in the movie.

Anytime he sees a commercial for Di$ney he says "go there!!" and then he starts to talk about seeing Buzz. Hopefully we can take him one day so he can meet his favorite character.  :-)

Preschool

On Joel's 3rd birthday (February 3rd) he started attending the county preschool for 3-4 year olds. I was thrilled that we were FINALLY able to get him into a program, and even more thrilled that we could FINALLY start focusing on his progress instead of all the areas of delays. (It feels like a punch in the gut when you have to sit through meeting after meeting and listen to a stranger explain test results that show your child is delayed. I just wanted to scream at them and say "YES I KNOW, NOW JUST HELP HIM!")

The first two days were rough. Joel had a difficult time when I had to drop him off and I had a difficult time leaving him knowing he was upset. Thankfully he adjusted quickly to the new routine and he is doing AWESOME. He has been communicating with us more than ever and it also seems to be helping sensory wise. It's exciting to see how he is growing, and even more exciting to see the smile on his face when he realizes that he learned something new.. like counting, for instance. One day he came home from preschool and counted to 6 all by himself. A few days later he was trying to count to 18!! He now walks around the house counting everything. :-)

I have to admit though, I felt a little bit of mom guilt when he started to progress. I felt like I [obviously] wasn't doing a good enough job at home or else he would already know these things. Right? Wrong. Joel has issues focusing. He still has issues with it at school. So regardless of what I could try at home, it really wouldn't have mattered. He needed the structure of the classroom setting. Being around the other kids definitely helps too.

Summer is approaching quickly and I'm nervous he will lose everything he has learned so far. I'm trying to find programs and activities that will hopefully help during the break from school. One fun thing we will be trying is teeball for 3-4 year olds. I'm not sure he will really learn anything from it but I know he will have fun meeting new friends and running around.  :-)

Second Guessing EVERYTHING

We have always had issues with Joel not eating but most doctors just take a note of it and move on even though they tell us his medication is known for causing lack of appetite. Since Joel wasn't having seizures they didn't want to rock the boat by switching meds. On one hand I get their reasoning but then again, my child never eats and I'm concerned about his health & weight. It's not fun to go to bed at night worried that your child is hungry because he wouldn't eat anything (once again) all day. Not even snacks.

When we met with the TS neurologist in Cincinnati he agreed that something needed to be done to help. I'm in the process of trying to get Joel into a feeding therapy which he agreed was a good idea, but he also suggested changing meds.  Unfortunately there are no tests that can be done to figure out if the lack of appetite is from the current seizure med or just Joel being super picky so all we can do is switch to something else and see if he starts to eat. 

He also mentioned they don't normally give his current medication to TS patients, especially children, because it can stunt developmental growth and is known for causing appetite loss and break-through seizures like Joel was having around the holidays. (No one ever told us that it could harm Joel's development. Isn't that nice?) 

The med he suggested we try is called  Sabril. It's a medication that has great success in TS kids. The only issue is that it can cause vision damage which is a big concern for me. I know every seizure medication will come with a risk of a scary side effect but how do we know which one is worth the risk? If we decided to try Sabril and Joel ends up with vision damage I would never forgive myself. The whole drive home I went back and forth on whether we should try it or not. I decided to call the clinic the next day and ask for different treatment options. I know Sabril is a very aggressive drug but I don't feel like Joel really needs that at the moment. If he was having seizures multiple times a day I wouldn't hesitate to try it, but he's not. The neurologist even said Joel is doing very well for a TS patient.. So there has to be something else we can try first, right?


The hardest part of parenting Joel is that I'm ALWAYS second guessing EVERYTHING when it comes to his medical. Some days it's just too much for me to deal with and I end up crying my eyes out while Jeremy holds me and tells me everything will be ok. Every parent wants the best for their child.. but imagine if the best for your child comes with scary risks.. That's what I'm dealing with and it's not easy nor fun. I just want to him to have a healthy and happy life. I pray every day that God will give me wisdom and guidance because.. honestly... I have no idea what I'm doing. 

A New Neurologist

The great thing about living in Ohio is that we have access to the best TS doctors in the country. People from all over the country (and world) travel to Cincinnati just so their child with TS can be seen by one of the doctor's at the clinic. Cincinnati is 3 1/2 hours south of us so we decided when we first moved to Ohio that we would use that as a back-up plan if things with our Cleveland neurologist didn't work out. 

Our Cleveland neurologist has been very nice, but we just haven't felt like we were getting the care we needed. For instance, around the holidays we started to see what we thought were break through seizures (Joel would make a face like he had a nasty taste in his mouth, put his hand to his mouth and rub it, and then whine and want to lay down.) and I called several times but I would always get the same response from a nurse--that the doctor just wanted me to keep a seizure diary and he would see us in X amount of months. I also called several times regarding Joel's lack of appetite but again, I would only get calls back from a nurse and she would tell me to just keep monitoring Joel. {One time she actually asked me if I have tried giving Joel finger foods. I flat out asked her, "do you think I would be calling you if I haven't tried to feed him everything under the friggen sun?"} That wasn't ok to me. I felt like he was going to wait for my child to be skin and bones and/or have a seizure that sends us to the ER before he did something about it. So one night I told Jeremy I was done with Cleveland and I was calling the next morning to schedule an appointment with Cincinnati. That was most definitely the best decision I have ever made. 

We met with a TS neurologist in Cincinnati on Wednesday. He listened to every concern and answered every single question we had. We left the appointment thinking I wish we would've come here to begin with!

So for now on we will be contacting Cinci for all things TS. We will keep our Cleveland neurologist for emergencies only. 

Early Intervention Re-Evaluation

We were finally able to have Joel re-evaluated for early intervention!

We had to see the same lady that did his first evaluation though, and I honestly wasn't looking forward to seeing her again.. especially because every time we had talked she made it very clear that her mind was already made up about the situation. I prayed and prayed and prayed before our appointment.. hoping God would open her eyes so my baby could get the help he needs.

She came to our house for the appointment and she stayed for almost an hour. During that time [my prayers were answered because] she realized she definitely needed to put in a recommendation for Joel to be in the early intervention classroom! It was nice to finally have someone (other than family) see firsthand all the things I had been explaining.

Now we are facing a different hurdle though--the ugly wait list that likes to follow us every where we go. Ugh. I hate wait lists with a passion! I'm praying we will be able to get Joel in the classes soon. Thankfully the lady that did the evaluation has offered to come to the house once a week to help while we fight the wait list. I'm thinking she is only doing this because she realized she made a mistake, but whatever..we will take all the help we can get for now!

Fighting For Services

We have been fighting to get Joel speech therapy for over a year. In March I had a meeting with Joel's teachers [from his Birth-3 program] to discuss our Individualized Family Service Plan (IFSP). They finally agreed that yes, Joel does need speech therapy BUT they didn't want to start it since we were moving in April. I was extremely frustrated. The frustration only grew once we moved to Ohio and I was told that we would have to basically start all over again. Our IFSP and list of services he was receiving in Washington meant nothing to the state of Ohio. We had to wait months for evaluations and meetings. During the waiting we started to notice regression in Joel's development. I tried everything I could at home to work with him but I wasn't getting anywhere.

He was evaluated for the Help Me Grow program in Ohio, but a woman that spent 15 minutes with him determined he wasn't eligible for their class room program like he was attending in Washington. He would, however, be able to attend a county preschool for delays when he turns three. It made no sense to me.

Meanwhile, our new insurance company was telling me they wouldn't cover speech therapy services because his "speech delay wasn't the result from an injury or illness." Basically if he got sick one day and suddenly lost his speech or if he hit his head and lost his speech they would cover it. I tried to explain that yes, actually it is the result from an illness called tuberous sclerosis.. But in the end I was told I could write a letter to appeal it if I wasn't satisfied with their response.
 

At that point I was crying every night to my husband. Our son was regressing in his development (all the progress we had made before we moved from WA!!) and all the services needed to help, weren't willing to help us! I didn't know what else to do. We decided the best thing to do at this point is to find a private speech therapist. It's expensive, but it honestly has been worth every dollar spent. His speech is slowly improving which is a huge blessing!
 

Two months ago I looked into learning centers for him to attend a few half days a week [so I could go back to school and also] with the hopes that being around other children would continue to improve his speech and development. But oh my goodness.. the best one I found was $599 a month! SERIOUSLY. That price was for only three half days a week, and didn't include lunch! There's no way we could ever afford that. Not to mention.. if we did send him there, they are not equipped to focus on the sensory and developmental issues Joel currently has.

To say I have been overwhelmed and stressed out would be an understatement. I do my best to work with Joel at home.. I have tried taking him to story times.. I have even tried taking Joel to a parent/child art and music class.. but it's always too much for him and he just cries the whole time. At the parent/child art and music class everyone stared at me the whole time while my child cried, hit me, and threw himself all over the place. My heart broke for him.. especially because no one talked to us the entire time we were in the class. They just stared. I'm sure to them it looked as though my child was just being a brat since they don't know us and don't know what we've been going through. I had to fight back my own tears on the way to our car afterwards.

Jeremy and I both thought moving here to Ohio would be the best thing for Joel, but so far it hasn't been. If we had known all the problems we would have here, we would have stayed in WA until Joel was three years old. How were we suppose to know though? We thought everything would just transfer over, no problem.

At this point I don't know what else to do. One thing is for sure though, I refuse to give up until he gets the help he needs!

 

TS Specialist, Medicine Changes, & Seizures

Joel had an EEG the first week we were in Ohio. He cried while the electrodes were placed on his head (as he usually does),.. but thankfully Jeremy and I were both able to be in the room (SCH would only let one of us be with him during EEGs) and I was able to lay beside him. He calmed down once the techs were done touching his head. At the end he was excited and kept saying "done.. mama, dada.. done.." and would also do the sign for "all done."

{Seeing him like this breaks my heart. I thought it would get easier as he gets older, but it hasn't. I worry about how I will explain all this to him when he is older and starts to question why he needs these tests. I pray God will give me wisdom on how to explain it when that time comes.}


We met with a neurologist after the EEG. The neurologist is a tuberous sclerosis specialist. It was amazing to talk to someone that actually understands TS and was able to answer all of our questions. The neurologist in Seattle was nice, but it was obvious she didn't know much about TS.. We would leave appointments feeling more confused than we did when we went in! It was frustrating. Anyway, the TS specialist said he couldn't believe Joel has only been on one seizure medicine because most TS children have to try multiple meds before finding one that will work. He also said he couldn't believe the notes and the test results from Seattle because Joel's EEG from that day looked great. He said the first EEG Joel had (without meds at 7 months old) showed abnormal activity all over his brain.. and the current EEG showed a tiny bit of abnormal in the front left (where most of his tubers are) but it was so small that you would miss it if you weren't looking hard enough. All I could think was GOD IS SO GOOD!

One thing we have been concerned about for a while though is Joel's appetite. His seizure medicine has a long list of side effects and appetite loss is one of them. Seattle doctors usually brushed it off, telling us it was probably just a toddler phase and not to worry because he was still gaining weight. But I knew in my heart that wasn't true. So before sending us home the doctor sent us to the lab for Joel to get blood drawn to check his medicine levels. (Seattle doctors never checked his levels!) His levels were a high normal so the doctor decided to lower the meds to 2 pills {we open the pills and sprinkle the powder into food~in case you are wondering how we give a two y/o pills} in the morning and 3 at night. We noticed right away he was eating more! But.. we also noticed the seizures again. He would randomly stare off and no matter how loud we said his name or clapped our hands in his face he wouldn't respond. Within a week they were coming more often so I called the neurologist and he said to increase the meds back to 3 and 3. The seizures went away and so did his appetite once again. =\ I'm worried his medicine will need to be changed to help with his appetite. Why does that make me worry you ask.. Well because what if the next medicine doesn't work as fast or as well as the current. I don't like to think about it. At all.

In the end, I still believe God is good--and I know He will give us and doctors wisdom on how to keep our sweet boy healthy!

Easter 2013

Easter was fun this year with Joel! He woke up Easter morning and discovered a basket full of goodies from the Bunny. He even found a few eggs in the living room that the Bunny left behind. He thought it was awesome!

Later that day we went to a friend's house for an egg hunt. Each time Joel picked up an egg he would open it up and try to eat the candy. It was cute--and needless to say he ate way too much sugar that day. Haha!

I didn't plan to get Joel's picture taken with the Easter Bunny this year, but the NEX on our base was doing it and you could either use your own camera or pay $5 for them to do it, so we did it anyway. (The mall Bunny is almost $30 for their basic photo package.. Isn't that ridiculous?!) He was thrilled as you can tell.

I have struggled with whether we should do the Bunny and Santa thing for Joel. As a Christian I want my child to know the TRUE meaning of why we celebrate Easter and Christmas. I don't want him to think it's just about candy or how many presents he can get from. How do I balance it--the fun and making sure he knows the true meaning?

Purple Day

Today we are wearing purple for global epilepsy awareness!

{To learn more about Purple Day click here}

Bug Museum

Joel has shown an interest in bugs and reptiles lately.. He loves to find pictures of bugs or snakes and then show it to me so I will freak out. He think it's hilarious when I shriek in fear and run away! Friday afternoon we took him to a local bug museum and he LOVED it. His mama.. not so much! haha!

Two Years Old

Joel turned two years old on Sunday, February 03!!

We had a party to celebrate with friends on Saturday (Feb 02). We had so much fun!

For months I had been planning to have a train themed party, but Joel obviously had other ideas... We took him to the store to buy decorations and he picked out Sesame Street "Melmo" (that's how Joel says Elmo). And just like that all my cute train party ideas from Pinterest went down the drain! HAHA! Joel loved his "Melmo" party though, and that's all that matters!



 

 

Since Joel's actual birthday was on a Sunday this year we couldn't really do anything fun other than go to a park. That was fine with him though! He LOVES being outside and playing at parks. We decided to bundle up & walk to a park so we could break in his new wagon. Needless to say he had a blast!

 

. . .

I love to compare photos to see how much our sweet boy has grown and changed..

A Long Overdue Update On Joel's Health

The last time I blogged about Joel's health was back in April.. so I guess it's time for an update..

We saw the cardiologist again in the summer. Joel hasn't any issues with his heart (praise God!), and the rhabdomyomas have actually DECREASED in size which is awesome news! We are praying the rhabdomyomas will go away completely as Joel grows. The cardiologist wants to see Joel again in a year.

We continue to see the neurologist every 3-6 months. We actually just saw her in November before Thanksgiving because Joel had an MRI of his brain. Everything looked great--meaning, none of the tumors have increased in size and none were blocking fluid. We had a clinic appointment with the neurologist following the MRI and we were finally able to see images. (We were never shown images after his first MRI.) He has tumors all over his brain but most are on the left side, in areas that the neurologists think causes him to have the seizures. We asked for an exact number of how many tumors are on his brain but the neurologist didn't have the notes from the radiologist yet.

{Before his MRI.. giving Oso hugs}

He was seizure free for a year which was/is awesome! Unfortunately after hitting the one year mark he started having seizures [that came in the form of staring spells] so the dose of his seizure medicine was increased. He hasn't had any seizures (that we've noticed) since, though! According to his doctors all we can do is keep up with his weight and increase his seizure medicine as needed.. and that makes this mama super nervous. :-\

We met with a geneticist a few months ago. He suggested genetic testing for all three of us. Joel had his testing first and the results came back showing a TSC1 mutation. The testing basically just confirms that Joel does have TS, but it will also help with our testing because now they know what to look for. Doctors have told us that people with the TSC1 mutation usually have a mild case of TS, which is good, but obviously everyone is different and they can't say for sure what Joel will experience as he gets older. So far Joel has been doing very well though, and we're all are very hopeful that it will continue this way.

{We are still waiting on the genetic testing results for Jeremy and I. We will hopefully find out soon. Whether we try to have another child in the future depends on those results..}

Results & Moving Forward

At the beginning of the year we met with a cardiologist to discuss the results of Joel's echo that he had in December. The echo showed rhabdomyomas (non-cancerous tumors) but thankfully the cardiologist said they don't appear to be causing any issues or blocking any major parts.. He also said there is a good chance the rhabdomyomas could decrease in size as Joel gets older. Let's pray that happens!
We were sent home with a Holter monitor to record his heart activity for 24 hours (which is fun stuff with a toddler by the way) and thankfully the results came back all clear. We are suppose to see the cardiologist again in the summer for another echo. Please pray his little heart will continue to be okay!

In March we met an ophthalmologist and received more good news. Joel's vision is great and he appears to have NO spots on his eyes! The ophthalmologist  wants to see Joel yearly unless we start to notice anything unusual.

This is a little off subject but the morning of Joel's eye exam we went to Seattle early so we could check out the aquarium. He LOVED it. We tried to let him walk around as much as possible {oh yeah, he is full blown walking now!} but there wasn't much he could see from his level. I think our next adventure will be to the zoo when it warms up a little. Sounds fun huh! :)

Okay, back to the subject..  :)

I was able to have a long discussion with Joel's pediatrician, Dr. B, about all of  the tests results and what the next steps should be. Dr. B agreed that it was time for someone to give us a clear diagnosis (does he have TS or not?) so we can begin to move forward with whatever is needed to help Joel. He has been reviewing all the notes that SCH has been sending him, and he thinks it's safe to go ahead and say yes--Joel does have tuberous sclerosis. The moment Dr. B said it out loud my heart sank. It was the first time anyone had actually said it to me.


So now we're moving forward. We have enrolled Joel in a Early Intervention program since TS brings a risk of developmental delays. Right now he seems to be on track  (although, we are a tiny bit concerned about his speech but I will talk more about that later) so for now he is just in a playgroup that meets once a week. He has a blast when we go, and the best part is he is learning SO much from it. A bonus--last time we were at playgroup we learned there is another little boy in the class with TS. I didn't get a chance to speak to his mother but the teacher is suppose to formally introduce us next time we go. I'm really excited to meet someone local that can relate to what we're going through with this TS journey!

Look Who's Walking!

Last week Joel started taking a few unassisted steps and he hasn't stopped since! He is getting better every day, and it totally blows my mind! Seriously--didn't he JUST learn how to roll over?! ;) People aren't kidding when they say don't blink!

Here is a quick video that I got today.. {He walked all the way to me but my camera decided to stop recording half way through! Ugh!! Figures right!}

He definitely knows he is doing something big because normally his whole face lights up with excitement. It has to be the cutest thing ever! Makes me sad that Jer is missing it.. :( 

Trusting

I'll never forget the first time we went to the children's hospital... As we walked through the area to check-in we passed many sick babies and I had to fight back tears more than once. When we sat down in the waiting area I looked at Jer and said, "coming here makes me realize just how blessed we really are.. I mean, we are only coming here for a cosmetic thing.. and there are so many people here for something worse."

We now know that our baby boy has more than just a cosmetic thing. He has a rare genetic disease that has caused benign tumors to grow on his brain. I could sit around, worry, and question "why our baby, Lord? Why??"  but I'm not.. and I haven't. Instead I'm choosing to trust God.

 ^"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7

God has definitely given me peace. That's the only way I know how to explain it. I've been a worry wart all my life but I haven't worried about this situation once.

I know He is in control.

MRI Results

Joel had an MRI of his brain yesterday afternoon. Everything went well. We couldn't feed him four hours prior to being sedated which was the worst part of the whole thing. I think this picture shows you how Joel felt about that..

The neurologist called this morning and said the MRI showed that Joel does have tuberous sclerosis. It's definitely not the news we wanted, but thankfully there were only a few small lesions on his brain and they are non-malignant. {The irritation from these lesions is what was causing the seizures.}

So.. now the next step is to have more tests to check his other organs (heart, kidneys, eyes) for lesions.


Please continue to pray for our precious baby. Pray the other tests will be normal, and pray that the lesions on his brain won't effect his development/learning as he gets older. Also, please pray for Jer and I. I think the hardest part of all this is that we don't have our support system here.

I'm Back, and I Need Prayers For My Baby!!

A couple months ago I lost all the pictures on my blog. I'm not sure what happened but it seriously made me want to cry (let's just blame those terrible postpartum hormones ok?), and that's when I realized I needed a break from blogging. It had become just another stressor in my life instead of a fun outlet for me.

I still haven't recovered all the pictures, but I got over it. There are more important things in life to worry about. Like my precious seven month old son for example...

Joel was born with linear epidermal nevus on his right arm/shoulder. I never mentioned it because we didn't know much about it until recently. Our pediatrician didn't have a clue what it was so he sent us straight to a specialist. We were told that his case was very mild, he shouldn't have any problems, and it's mostly a cosmetic thing.

Well, last Thursday Joel started doing a weird head nodding thing. He would drop his head down and then quickly bring it back up. It freaked us out but we thought maybe he was just super tired because it was past his nap time. The next day he did it again so I called a nurse. She suggested we bring him in to see the doctor. We took him to see the pediatrician on Tuesday, the 20th. He wasn't 100% sure what was going on. He didn't think it was serious because Joel was staying alert during the little episodes. But since Joel has the epidermal nevus he decided to consult with the specialist to see if it could cause what he was doing. Turned out it could, so they sent us to the big city for an EEG on Thursday, the 22nd.

His EEG went well but it showed some abnormal brain waves. We had a consult with two neurologist right after his test, and they seem to think he is having seizures because of the epidermal nevus. So he is now taking seizure medication to hopefully stop it. They want to do another EEG after a few weeks to see how it's working.

They also want to do an MRI (he will have to be sedated for it) in 2 weeks to check for tuberous sclerosis, which can cause non-malignant tumors on the brain and other organs.

We're still trying to process everything, but I'm sure you can imagine how scary all this is for us. We're hoping and praying the medication will start working soon for his seizures. It absolutely breaks my heart when it's happening because he looks at me like "what's going on momma, make it stop." I feel like I'm failing him as his momma because I can't just kiss it and make it better. :(

So please keep my baby in your prayers.. Pray the seizures will stop, and pray the MRI will be normal.

I will post an update as soon as we know more.

Nee-Nee!

After Joel was born he would cry and make a "nee-nee!" sound if he was hungry. We thought it was cute so we now refer to breastfeeding as Nee-Nee. When we see that he is hungry we will say "he wants the Nee-Nee."  :)

I have been exclusively breastfeeding giving Joel the Nee-Nee {on demand} since he was born. Before he was born I decided I would TRY to at least breastfeed until he was 6 months old. Well he is 4 months so his pediatrician recently suggested that we start giving him a bottle once a day so he can get use to it and to give myself a break. Well we have tried twice.. once yesterday and again today.. and both times he didn't want anything to do with it. And honestly.. I'm ok with it. I love the bonding time that breastfeeding has given me with him. He loves to hold my hand/fingers while he is nursing and it just melts my heart! :) I do feel a little bad though, because I can tell that J really wants to experience giving him a bottle. So I'm torn on what to do -- should I continue to give him just the Nee-Nee, or should I keep trying to see if he will warm up to the bottle?


&Truth be told, when I was pregnant I was totally creeped out by the whole breastfeeding thing. The idea of milk coming from ME was weird! Come on you know you probably thought/think it too! haha The first time he nursed it all felt so natural though, and I feel proud that I've been able to do it for as long as I have.

Birth Story

On Wednesday, February 2nd I went in for my weekly appointment. I was hoping to find out if we had made any progress but I wasn't expecting much. Unfortunately the only thing that had progressed was preeclampsia and super high blood pressure. My doctor didn't want to risk letting any of it get it worse so she said I needed to be induced that day. I was SO nervous as we left the doctor's office that I was shaking! I couldn't believe we were about to head to the hospital to finally meet our baby boy!

{the view from our hospital room}

We arrived at the hospital after 1 PM. I didn't pay attention to the time after we arrived but I think they started me on Pitocin around 3 or 4 PM. I was already having small contractions when we first arrived at the hospital but oh man it didn't take long for the contractions to get stronger after I was given the Pitocin! Even though I was having contractions I wasn't dilated enough to get an epidural so I was given Stadol to "take the edge off" (as the nurse said). The Stadol instantly gave relief but also made me feel loopy. I couldn't open my eyes without feeling like the whole room was spinning. I didn't like it but it took some of the pain away and helped me get some rest in between contractions. (Jer said I would pass out in between the contractions to the point where I was snoring and then wake up instantly when the contractions would come. I honestly don't remember much of it.. Everything became a blur after I was given the Stadol.) Once the Stadol started to wear off I was given morphine. It didn't help at all though.

Thankfully around midnight my OB came in and broke my water and not long after I was finally able to get the epidural. I was terrified of getting the epidural but honestly I think getting the IV in my arm hurt worse than the epi. Then again.. I was pretty doped up already!

After I got the epidural I was finally able to sleep longer than 2 minutes. It was great! But around 2 or 3 AM I woke up because the baby's heart rate monitor was going nuts. Jeremy was asleep and none of the nurses were coming in so I figured maybe it was nothing.. until I looked at the monitor and realized his heart rate was almost to 180! I freaked! Of course I couldn't wake Jer up so I paged the nurse. The nurse checked my temp and said I had a fever over 100 so they immediately started me on antibiotics. I was given three different antibiotics.. one was a pill, two were given through my IV. Joel's heart rate stayed high for a few hours which was extremely scary for us!

When it came time to start pushing my epidural began to wear off. It was the most painful thing I've ever felt!! &It happened twice! It was horrible!!

I pushed for three hours but I had no clue of that until afterwards. Once my OB finally showed up she discovered that Joel was turned the wrong way--he was facing up and it was causing him to be stuck in the birth canal. She turned him around but he was still stuck so she said we had two options: either use the vacuum or a c-section. I honestly don't even remember making the decision to go ahead with the vacuum, but I did. I just wanted him out. Might I mention that my epidural had completely wore off once again at that point? Yeah.. So his head was stuck and I felt every bit of it. There was a lot of yelling involved at that point. It hurt, and I didn't care how loud I was being or who could hear me. (Can you blame me??)

At 12 PM our beautiful, 8lbs 2oz and 21.5 inches long, baby boy finally entered the world! While he was being cleaned up I was still in tons of pain and losing a lot of blood. I felt so bad for Jer.. I could tell he felt torn on whether he should stay by me and make sure I was ok or if he should have been next to his baby. He stayed by my side though, and every once in a while would turn around to make sure Joel was doing alright. Joel wasn't crying much which really freaked me out. I was terrified he was hurt from the vacuum. He was healthy and perfect though, praise God!

Seeing Jeremy hold Joel for the first time is a moment I will never forget. Jer was teary-eyed and couldn't stop smiling. It was priceless!

When I was finally able to hold him all I could do was stare at him and thank God. I couldn't believe the miracle that we had hoped, prayed, and waited for was finally there in my arms!